Let me kiss away your pain
by amy conner
Summary: Lucifer kills Castiel. Dean is in denial. How long will it take before he snaps? Is Cas really dead? sequel to love me tender
1. Chapter 1

Let me kiss away your pain 

Every time he closed his eyes, he saw one thing. Sam, no not Sam, someone who, looked like Sam, snapping his finger, and blood splattering everywhere, making him throw up. The mind always went blank afterwards, before returning with a second vision. It was always the same thing: Acres and acres of desert, lying in front of him, without any habitat. There wasn't anywhere else, nearby. He always found himself alone. The sky always looked dark; the moon was not white but scarlet. The sand looked orange, as the color of fire. He always felt himself burning, like he did in perdition, only it seemed to be coming from within his soul, eating him alive.

Dean was hurting. It was as simple as that. It was like something inside him had died, and taken a part of him; with it. The emptiness was absolute, the nothingness all consuming. He knew he was breathing and all, but a walking shell of a man walked the road , where Dean had once walked. He had tried denying. He had tried that trick. He convinced himself into believing his own lies, that everything was ok; his love of his life would walk in through the door anytime. For days he kept up the charade, kept grinning like an idiot every time Sam opened his mouth to speak. He had to pretend, he had to believe. The alternative just wasn't the option. But with days passing by, with unbelievable speed ; and Sam looking more and more worried about him , his resolute began to desert him . As the reality finally began to dawn on him , he felt himself sinking. That's when the hidden pain of denial got replaced, got replaced by a sense of blankness.

So Dean was hurting , hurting beyond words. And he was angry. He had been happy believing , that nothing good ever happened to him . That he didn't deserve to be saved. But somehow , like a bad fairy tale , an angel had materialized , leading him to believe otherwise. He got drawn into the whole angelic myth and legends. The winged wonder mesmerized and charmed him to the point , where he was willing to offer himself to him , just to give his angel the feeling of togetherness. He had realized his motives weren't purely unselfish. He did it for Castiel as much as he did he for himself. He was in love with him , long before their willing lips met and everything stopped to matter.

And now the only good thing in his cursed life was cruelly taken away. He was left with exactly what he had before he had known his angel: nothing. Oh yes Dean was angry.

He had no reason to believe , he would get salvation. He had sinned enough , to book a seat in hell. But killing the only thing that kept him alive , metaphorically speaking and literally ; the only thing that kept him sane and human , was something he wasn't been able to come to terms to . He had been self destructive once before, when he had suspected his angel didn't reciprocate his feelings. But now, he was far too gone, too damaged to attempt an encore performance. He felt himself wasting away, painfully slowly, and hoped the agony to intensify . His sadistic perversity defined him now, with all his human faculties gone.

His mind had abandoned him, a long time ago, playing small tricks on his remaining sanity. He didn't mind though. A few hallucinations here & there and Dean called it a perfect day. The worst part was, he really had thought, Castiel was invincible, immortal. Never for a moment did he think, the devil would so carelessly snap his finger & that illusion would be gone. It was a hard reality, to live with.

Reality was a funny word. Its connotation had changed drastically. Everything , that could be associated with normalcy had gone , the moment they had decided to be hunters. Yet somethings never changed. Hunger, tiredness, thirst , longing , all these made them stay connected to the "real" world. But with castiel gone , all these began to elude him. He ate , slept , sleep walked through the days , without knowing how & why he was doing it.

It wasn't surprising, when the phone rang stubbornly, wanting to be picked up , it didn't register with Dean for a long time. It was insistant though. Dean was forced to break out of his usual stupor , after its third ring.

"Hello"

"Hello Dean"

The voice didn't register. It was familiar though. Like something he had known, loved a long time ago. Had he forgotten ? What was it ?

"Who is this " his voice shook , as he spoke.

"Dean" the voice pleaded.

" We all thought you were dead. Where the hell are you, man? " Dean's monologue seemed vaguely out of place , in the situation.

"I am at a hospital"

"Are you ok?"

"No"

"You wanna elaborate?"


	2. Chapter 2

Dean drove his Impala as fast as he could muster. His mind was far away from the road. Castiel was alive. He was alive and human. And he needed him , Dean , a mere mortal . Castiel needed him , to comfort him, to make sure he was ok. Castiel need him ; to make sure , that he was well adjusted in his new life. Dean , Castiel needed Dean. For the first time in his life, someone needed him , to be there for him . Dean wasn't sure how to cope with this. On one hand , he felt , his heart would burst , from joy &shock and hidden tension. On the other hand apprehension ate at him. He was fragile , vulnerable to the point where a soft push could drive him over the edge. He wasn't sure he was ready to cope with another rejection , abandonment. He wasn't ready to go through that again . He looked straight ahead into the darkness, trying not to think. He hoped the silence would consume him . DEAN I need you , you you you .

It wasn't until past midnight; when he reached his destination. He knew he wouldn't be allowed to see his angel , at that hour. But when did that stop him ever ?

Rules were an abomination &Dean didn't care much for them. He stepped out of the Impala , and looked closely. There was only one security guard , taking a snooze.

Lucky bastard , he thought , walking towards him. He calmly walked in through the door , into the reception ; where he was immediately met with a shrill voice.

"Where do you think you are going ?" A pretty blonde asked , raising an eyebrow.

Damn you , he cursed inwardly , as he smiled and walked towards her , giving her a million watts grin.

" Hi am Dr. Wilhelm Eisenberg, the new resident" he lied unshamedly , without missing a beat.

" Oh , may I see some I D please" she asked suspiciously .

Dean promptly produced one , thanking Bobby , for giving him this alias.

The girl looked at it , and returned it , satisfied.

" You don't look like a doc" she purred , now in a flirty mood, noticing Dean's hotness.

"What do I look like then ?"

" A model or an athlete , or both , or even a fireman" she giggled at the thought.

"I am not , so " he looked crestfallen. "Anyway I need to see my patients , if you please"

" I will give you the list, which floor you have been assigned to ? "

" ER"

"Ok . Here is the list"

"Thanks a ton " he blew her a kiss , before disappearing into the elevator.

It took about 30 seconds to get there. The door opened into an empty hallway . He checked each room before finding the right one. He looked through the glass panel, and his heart almost melted at the scene. Cas was fast asleep, sleeping peacefully like a baby. Ironically, he still managed to look like an angel , even more so now, in his pure human form.

Dean took a deep breath & slowly , noiselessly , so as to not to awake the sleeping mass of perfection .

Oh man , the guy looks dreamy even in limbo , Dean thought . He looked so endearing, in his hospital attire , that Dean's heart almost melted. He slowly padded his way towards the sleeping man, sat down on the chair, and stared at him; his heart racing.

He was lost in peaceful sleep, oblivious to his surroundings & to the greenish gaze of the man, sitting right across. Dean stated at him, without blinking. A part of him wanted to wake him , ask him how he survived Lucifer's wrath , then yell at him , for making him go through the agony , of not knowing what happened. But another part of him just wanted to ogle at the sleeping man, take in his essence, the purity, and appreciate him, when he was at his most vulnerable self. He stood up and went over to sit beside him on the bed. The angel didn't even stir. Dean smiled a little , before touching his face. He could still feel the warmth , the spirit , that defined the man. He gently fondled with the hair , playing with the messy tussle that had fallen across his closed eyes. A slight smile of satisfaction crept in the angel's mouth.

Dreaming.

For some reason , the thought made dean blush a little. He wasn't a mind reader. But somehow, he could make a lucky guess , what his angel was dreaming about in his sleep. Dean grinned once again, this time holding the angel's face softly in his hands.

"I love you Cas" he said, noiselessly.

"I love you too Dean" Castiel's eyes jerked open.

Dean almost jumped out of his skin "you are awake".

"Yes" the angel grinned devilishly.

"you, you," Dean stammered" you let me ….."

"if I hadn't pretended , you never would have said the exact words"

"Never"

"See"

"You are a monster you know that?"

"I am aware"

"You are going to pay for this"

"How"

"Now that you are human , you will do my bidding. We have a life time to figure out your punishment"

"Your will is my command Dean" Castiel smiled , before pulling him towards him , into a blissful kiss.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 

Dean pulled away from him , breaking the contact . He looked into the deep blue eyes , saw his own reflection in them. Something in him threatened to burst. He pulled the angel close , grabbed him tightly ; inspite of his injuries, and held on to him , like holding on to his dear life. He felt his face falling on the nook of his neck , burying his pain. Two strong hands wrapped around his waist , as he sobbed quietly.

The angel remained deathly quiet, some would call impassive and cold. But if someone had looked closely, one would have seen his color draining from his face. They would have guessed, he was channeling Dean's pain unto him, knowing it was unbearable. He understood what Dean had gone through. If one had looked closely , one would have seen his hands tightening around Dean's waist, an assuring gesture.

They didn't know how long they had been like that; locked away in a surreal embrace. It felt like the first time they felt each other, a life time ago, when the world had stopped turning , just to stare at them & their unique romance.

Dean must have fallen asleep . The angel's hands were too assuring , too comforting. He felt secured , safe, as if he were in his mother's womb. Its a weird analogy. But that's exactly how he felt. That nothing, no one could hurt him anymore. He was safely cradled in the angel's arms. He was finally home. Its a different matter altogether, that it had been the angel, Castiel himself, who, had been the source of all his pain. But for the sake of Dean , I ll let it slide. Let's imagine good things do happen.

When the sun came up the next morning, he warmed up at the scene at the hospital room. Dean was sleeping soundly , his head resting on his angel's shoulder. While the patient in white hospital scrub , in spite of obvious pain , holding him tight in his arms, was sleeping peacefully beside him.

The sun wanted to be a bit naughty , slightly jealous now. He rudely blinded Dean with his drop of golden ray . Dean blinked. The sun shined gleefully , when Dean finally opened his eyes, now fully awake.

Castiel was staring at him , a slight smile on his face.

"Morning sunshine"

"Morning angel"

"Slept well"

"Never better"

"Hmmm"

"You didn't tell me"

"Tell you what"

"How you survived Lucifer's wrath!"

"I donno. I got zapped, and woke up here, without my power, barely alive. They all thought I was brain dead"

"Why didn't you call me sooner"

"I called as soon as I woke up Dean"

"Ahh well, I should probably go and see the real Doc now, see when they can release you" Dean said , getting up.

"Ya you should "

"Hey btw I have something for you"

"What"

"Wait"

Dean reached for his jacket , dug into it and got his ipod out.

"Here"

"What's this?"

"Ipod. I have uploaded some songs here, thought you might like it" Dean blushed.

"Thank you Dean" Cas growled , giving him a kiss on his forehead.

Bloody angels Dean thought , before leaving., was he blessing me ? Huh!

Cas grinned as a very disgruntled Dean left the room. He turned on the ipod. He couldn't recognize any of the songs save one AC/DC piece he had once heard in Dean's car. He kept shuffling the song when a soft melody hit his ear.

"A few things in life

You can't do without

Food water and air

And an ounce of love and trust

You wake up every day

And get welcomed by the morning sun

Feel alive and free

When you break into a run

You fly without your wings

Letting you go

You know you will have come back home

To the one you love , you know

Where do I figure in all this I wonder?

Am just a passing breeze

Pleasant maybe while it lasted

No one will really miss me

When I am around

Am like a shadow you know

who will always be there

But you don't always go look for it

When it suddenly disappears

That's what I am I know

And I have accepted the eventuality

But shadows aren't allowed to cry

So I will disappear silently"

. He couldn't recognize the singer's voice, but the pathos of the song mesmerized him. He eyes began in to swell with silent tears, a few dropped on his hands. The sunlight hit it hard. 7 colors dispersed in different directions as soon as it hit the prism.

"I will never let you go Dean. Not now , not never. I will somehow get my powers back. Then I ll take you to heaven with me. I ll find a way. I ll not, I can't let you go"

The end 

But Dean &Cas have miles to go before they sleep. 


End file.
